Journal Entry: Sun Jun 6, 2010, 11:10 PM
So today was for the most part a restful day. Everyone was tired, my dad and nana have a cold and my mom was busy cleaning up the goats stalls which had apparently gotten into a tub of molasses she had in there and were filthy, and sticky and had made everything else sticky. So i got to enjoy the pleasure of remaining in bed till around 1 in the afternoon (i got up and had breakfast of course)
I was having the most enjoyable time re-reading Girls With Slingshots in the books of its strips I had bought at TCAF. I really love the comic and the humour in it. In some ways it makes me want to aim to be... better in self esteem i guess. I mean ok its a comic, the proportions arent great but the character of Jamie and her full figure are well, sexy. And I wish i could be comfortable in my own skin enough to feel sexy too. The other day I was on facebook and saw pictures of my friend Stacey in the outfit she wore to formal. Now she is taller than me by quite a bit, bu ultimately probably has a slightly higher body fat percentile than I do, and is definitely well endowed on top. She was wearing dresses and outfits I would never dream of wearing, ones I wouldnt even dare to try on... and she looked hot in them, in part because Stacey's personality is... well she wears confidence like she wore those dresses with all the sequins. She handles and carries herself like you should look and should want her. And in so many ways I wish i could do that.
I suppose thats why I create the alter ego characters for RPG's... Virginia Sweetwater, and my last character whom I'd named after celtic war/death goddesses... well with the former, an escort game cahracter says it all. Comfortable in her sexuality, with sex, her body, and full of the confidence to use it. The latter, was a "human meat shield" character, overconfident, strong, and bossy.
I am trying to get a bit better though... before I went up north I went shopping. It was on one hand a blow to my esteem, ive put on a bit of weight since last summer, hopefully nothing some running, swimming, kayaking and general racing around coupled with limits on icecream and other summer treats wont cure. But still, trying on your summer clothes from last year and picking out what fit and what you hope will fit in a month or two, was not so fun, going tobuy a new bra to find your favourite multi purpose bra style is no longer made didnt help. Finding out that you are up a cup size again didnt either... Seriously, im running out of letters of the alphabet in bras they make.
On the bright side I did get new bra's none the less, a new multipurpose one which happens to be surpisingly pretty, a pale pink with stitched flowers on it (and matching panties). I also got a new bathing suit.. .its purple and the clasp is weird. Of the two from last year one will still fit well the other one fits, i tried it on... but the cups well... it exposes alot.
*sigh* and I should be wearing the one that exposes alot... the one that says "sexy" and demands a second glance... but my prudishness says "No"... and "ahh! Boobs?!"
It sucks. And I dont know why I can't love my own body as much as those who love me do... I dont know why the love hate relationship started so early, that when other girls were probably relieved to not be late bloomers I was wishing i could crawl back into my training bra...
When shopping i even tried on dresses... I must be building up a thick skin, I knew from eyeballing them that most of them wouldnt fit me right... but there was a small hope.. I also wanted to tr styles. Theres alot of ugly busy print dresses in, i prefer plain or simpler things... but there was one, the style was perfect, square neck, thicker straps so i could wear a bra in it, fitted waist and then the slightly wavey skirt part of the dress. Even the print was a nice not too busy blue one with cute flowers on it.
The large fit me... until the bust. (It was like shopping for prom way back, all over again... the dream dress, and it fit until it reached the boobs), only this time there was no savior dress maker to knock and look and see as i tried to keep back tears and frustration that this dress didnt fit and to fix it all by saying " we can fix that"... this time there were no tears, no desperation... but also no one to say "we can fix that", and well its a summer dress so corset lacing in the back wouldnt quite be appropriate either... albeit probably really really sexy...
But what did hurt was when I asked if there was maybe an extra large in the dress (just to compare)... and the girl said "No, most of our dresses don't come in XL"...
No, most of your sizes stop at 8 and yet a large and growing portion of hte population is definitely not a size 8, and considering how many bloody size 0-6's are left on the racks, id say you're catering to the wrong line...unless you buy specifically to appease the manaquins.
I shouldnt be complaining, but I am. Its a little thing and its silly, I've wanted a summer dress for so long, and I cant ever find one thats... well right. I know exactly what I want, one that would be ideal for my body shape and type and would look adorable. But im startng to think that in order to get my dream dress I will have to dish out and get a dress maker to make one fitted for me specifically (that or learn to sew and hope I inherited my grandmothers sewing skills.
I talked to Misha, hearing from someone you love that they find you incredibly attractive is helpful in such situations. It doesnt fix the reality, that you are too small for plus sizes, and too busty for alot of regular sizes... and too short for alot of fashions to look right period... but still... just as summer dress is that too much to ask?... my aunt seems to have implied she bought me clothing in Florida, mentioned hoping it would fit... this sounds like a birthday present where the odds of me not ending up with wounded self esteem are stacking against me.
Anyways today I spent alot of time gardening... I planted tomato seeds, impatients (and lots of them), some other border plants, cosmos, snap dragons, alyssum...and still have alot of plants to plant. I also seeded mellons, squash, gourds and corn. Some how in the process I got bug bitten in a few interesting places... to be fair I shoulda worn a belt... plumber butt led to some bug bites. It was too cold and sunless for a tank top so my back and shoulders at least didnt get hit too bad but my forearms, neck and forehead got nailed. Actualy I think a horsefly got my forehead as theres chunks of skin missing. I also managed somehow to get bitten in the palms of my hands...which is really really irritating.
It did give me the idea though of doing a cute drawing... a girl in dirty, maybe torn kneed jeans, tank top, gardening gloves and a trowel in pockets, bandana, and dirt smudges holding plants and with a garden in the background and maybe a phrase like "you can visit my garden any time"... i dunno just an idea, i should get drawing again, havent drawn in a long time.
Mom and dad went home today, I have a german shepard asleep on the bunk blow me and its just me, my nana and the dogs. So yeah sleep, cuz i got a busy day and will probably have to cook dinner tomorrow too.
Listening to: my german shepard snoring
Reading: The Light Fantastic~ Terry Pratchett
Watching: Midsommer Murders
Playing: with sleeping
Eating: an orange
Drinking: tea :)