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Deviant for 12 Years
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A Dedication to Roland Barthes
This work has only just begun and already
I am afraid to end it. Each sentence
but a whip I flog myself with
while I bury the periods within each
line for fear they may poke out. Attempting to kill me
with their black holes. Bullets of darkness
begging me
'end this Enjambment madness." But I won't,
and it is all because of you
Roland Barthes. For I know when
I place that last period You will be lurking
there from your grave. Waiting for me to
sign my name, my last act, before you
jump out and grab me. Dragging me into
that grave of Literary Theory you dug
for yourself and all authors to come
after you. You cry out
"the Author must die!" as you
stuff your deadly words down the
helpless throat of the unsuspecting Reader. Framing
them for your bloody murder, as you take
your place amongst your victims. Whoever
would have guess that a literary theorist
would want to hammer the final nail
in my Coffin? Now I run
from my own pen as it chases me down the page, knowing
there is no escape; for
:iconreflection13:reflection13 0 0
Munitioned Selves
Munitioned Selves
Reflecting on my own complicity I try,
To answer the unthinkable question of when
"I love you" became just words
As automatic as remembering to breathe.
Like any other exhaled breath we uttered.
I opened that box and found inside postmodern concepts and abstract art.
And on that day of my uncertainty, you,
One moment speaking those mechanical three words.  Imploring me
Of their earnestness
And yet did storm off unwilling to listen to my answer.
Proving bitterly that it was the very shell that you loved;
That constructed home of "relationship" I helped build.
Not the person,
The identity you could not contain within those cold and clammy bars.
I stood by, laboured pleasantly laying bricks.
Building my own cell around me, I was happy.
That is not a lie.
But Alice in her house, I grew so suddenly
Until it was all leg and arm and foot. My very breath
Struggling to break out.
And loosening each lace on that corset, that feminine constraint you so loved,
I emerged
:iconreflection13:reflection13 0 4
Mature content
The Cottage :iconreflection13:reflection13 1 2
Painted Box Back by reflection13 Painted Box Back :iconreflection13:reflection13 0 0 Painted Box side 2 by reflection13 Painted Box side 2 :iconreflection13:reflection13 0 0 Painted Box Side 1 by reflection13 Painted Box Side 1 :iconreflection13:reflection13 0 0 Painted Box Front by reflection13 Painted Box Front :iconreflection13:reflection13 1 8
Ode to B
Oh B!
B, with your big busty body
Lazily you languish on your belly
To form the shape of breasts, back and buttocks
So full in your broad plump shapely curves
You burst forth bearing yourself beautifully
Never bashful, B, your growing belly
Full with babies
Your unborn belles
B, so bold in your shape,
Bountiful and proud
Soft curves inviting gentle caress of the pen
B, with billowing shape you bow to no one.
B, your body is beautiful
:iconreflection13:reflection13 0 0
Tool Girl by reflection13 Tool Girl :iconreflection13:reflection13 1 1 Tim Relaxing by reflection13 Tim Relaxing :iconreflection13:reflection13 0 0 Hand Study by reflection13 Hand Study :iconreflection13:reflection13 0 0 Jonathan Rhys Meyers-Tudors by reflection13 Jonathan Rhys Meyers-Tudors :iconreflection13:reflection13 3 2 Mike Sketch by reflection13 Mike Sketch :iconreflection13:reflection13 0 0
Slipping into my satin skin,
Slowly I spin my silvery silk.
Sliding laces through small holes,
Stretching slinky nylons over smooth legs,
I shape and sharpen my new self.
Persona prepared and parading out,
Painted lip and polished eyes.
See how they sparkle!
Those black lined eyes and bronzed cheeks,
Pouted mouth and plucked brow.
A perfect pretty pair of wings
To hide under.
Parodying the person beneath,
To dance tonight with destiny,
Take flight upon the stage of the world.
Flit from flower to flower
A feast for hungry eyes to devour,
Drooling over the delicacy presented.
Dark and desire hang in the air like a drug
Demanding "do it"- "dare to destroy it all".
Fleet foot and frantic flattery
Erupts amidst the din and deep delirium achieved.
Failing fancies fall down to the depths
And the faintest of sighs dies in the darkness.
Languishing under the linen,
The leftovers of the self lay in a limp heap
Peeled and lifted off layers.
I lie naked in a lattice
:iconreflection13:reflection13 0 0
Ferry Ride
Ferry Ride
I remember the day the walls fell down.
When you came home
With that diagnosis.
A six letter word that changed so much,
Tore a black hole in reality
Which sucked us all in.
And as you died we all went with you,
A hideous emaciation of all things sane and stable.
Grotesque, like the tumors growing inside you,
We were all infected.
The burden, the fears, the despair
The   grief
And if I could have borrowed time
I would have mortgaged my life twice over.
At all those lost moments, missed opportunities
Your life a blank, unanswered question,
A rich and vivid life and history,
And there I held your hand still warm
On a cold bleak morning
You had gone just minutes before,
Surrendering to the war you had fought so hard.
We stood mute, a cold crumbling city
:iconreflection13:reflection13 2 4
Like a minor chord we strike,
You with your mellow drawn out refrains
And I with my tenser, disjointed themes;
With complementing dissonance we make our music.
Sometimes we draw close, merge and morph
Our melodies into one harmonious voice.
So sweet those moments are,
When our minds meet,
And the music pours freely from our souls
Like well aged wine from a bottle.
But other times our songs conflict,
Notes contradict and the unity shatters.
Like tightened strings,
The tension grows.
Shrill notes
And offbeat rhythm,
As we play on,
Tone deaf to each other's thoughts.
Ideas pass, shared, hidden or completely ignored,
As we continue, creating new movements.
Changing and altering the song
Till frustrations, restlessness and injuries summon
Breaks lasting long measures.
Distances grow,
Only to be closed again by the music.
The bittersweet melody that is
Our friendship.
:iconreflection13:reflection13 0 2


Tilling the soil and trying to think sexy...

Journal Entry: Sun Jun 6, 2010, 11:10 PM

So today was for the most part a restful day. Everyone was tired, my dad and nana have a cold and my mom was busy cleaning up the goats stalls which had apparently gotten into a tub of molasses she had in there and were filthy, and sticky and had made everything else sticky. So i got to enjoy the pleasure of remaining in bed till around 1 in the afternoon (i got up and had breakfast of course)

I was having the most enjoyable time re-reading Girls With Slingshots in the books of its strips I had bought at TCAF. I really love the comic and the humour in it. In some ways it makes me want to aim to be... better in self esteem i guess. I mean ok its a comic, the proportions arent great but the character of Jamie and her full figure are well, sexy. And I wish i could be comfortable in my own skin enough to feel sexy too. The other day I was on facebook and saw pictures of my friend Stacey in the outfit she wore to formal. Now she is taller than me by quite a bit, bu ultimately probably has a slightly higher body fat percentile than I do, and is definitely well endowed on top. She was wearing dresses and outfits I would never dream of wearing, ones I wouldnt even dare to try on... and she looked hot in them, in part because Stacey's personality is... well she wears confidence like she wore those dresses with all the sequins. She handles and carries herself like you should look and should want her. And in so many ways I wish i could do that.

I suppose thats why I create the alter ego characters for RPG's... Virginia Sweetwater, and my last character whom I'd named after celtic war/death goddesses... well with the former, an escort game cahracter says it all. Comfortable in her sexuality, with sex, her body, and full of the confidence to use it. The latter, was a "human meat shield" character, overconfident, strong, and bossy.

I am trying to get a bit better though... before I went up north I went shopping. It was on one hand a blow to my esteem, ive put on a bit of weight since last summer, hopefully nothing some running, swimming, kayaking and general racing around coupled with limits on icecream and other summer treats wont cure. But still, trying on your summer clothes from last year and picking out what fit and what you hope will fit in a month or two, was not so fun, going tobuy a new bra to find your favourite multi purpose bra style is no longer made didnt help. Finding out that you are up a cup size again didnt either... Seriously, im running out of letters of the alphabet in bras they make.

On the bright side I did get new bra's none the less, a new multipurpose one which happens to be surpisingly pretty, a pale pink with stitched flowers on it (and matching panties). I also got a new bathing suit.. .its purple and the clasp is weird. Of the two from last year one will still fit well the other one fits, i tried it on... but the cups well... it exposes alot.

*sigh* and I should be wearing the one that exposes alot... the one that says "sexy" and demands a second glance... but my prudishness says "No"...  and "ahh! Boobs?!"
It sucks. And I dont know why I can't love my own body as much as those who love me do... I dont know why the love hate relationship started so early, that when other girls were probably relieved to not be late bloomers I was wishing i could crawl back into my training bra...

When shopping i even tried on dresses... I must be building up a thick skin, I knew from eyeballing them that most of them wouldnt fit me right... but there was a small hope.. I also wanted to tr styles. Theres alot of ugly busy print dresses in, i prefer plain or simpler things... but there was one, the style was perfect, square neck, thicker straps so i could wear a bra in it, fitted waist and then the slightly wavey skirt part of the dress. Even the print was a nice not too busy blue one with cute flowers on it.
The large fit me... until the bust. (It was like shopping for prom way back, all over again... the dream dress, and it fit until it reached the boobs), only this time there was no savior dress maker to knock and look and see as i tried to keep back tears and frustration that this dress didnt fit and to fix it all by saying " we can fix that"... this time there were no tears, no desperation... but also no one to say "we can fix that", and well its a summer dress so corset lacing in the back wouldnt quite be appropriate either... albeit probably really really sexy...

But what did hurt was when I asked if there was maybe an extra large in the dress (just to compare)... and the girl said "No, most of our dresses don't come in XL"...

No, most of your sizes stop at 8 and yet a large and growing portion of hte population is definitely not a size 8, and considering how many bloody size 0-6's are left on the racks, id say you're catering to the wrong line...unless you buy specifically to appease the manaquins.

I shouldnt be complaining, but I am. Its a little thing and its silly, I've wanted a summer dress for so long, and I cant ever find one thats... well right. I know exactly what I want, one that would be ideal for my body shape and type and would look adorable. But im startng to think that in order to get my dream dress I will have to dish out and get a dress maker to make one fitted for me specifically (that or learn to sew and hope I inherited my grandmothers sewing skills.

I talked to Misha, hearing from someone you love that they find you incredibly attractive is helpful in such situations. It doesnt fix the reality, that you are too small for plus sizes, and too busty for alot of regular sizes... and too short for alot of fashions to look right period... but still... just as summer dress is that too much to ask?... my aunt seems to have implied she bought me clothing in Florida, mentioned hoping it would fit... this sounds like a birthday present where the odds of me not ending up with wounded self esteem are stacking against me.

Anyways today I spent alot of time gardening... I planted tomato seeds, impatients (and lots of them), some other border plants, cosmos, snap dragons, alyssum...and still have alot of plants to plant. I also seeded mellons, squash, gourds and corn. Some how in the process I got bug bitten in a few interesting places... to be fair I shoulda worn a belt... plumber butt led to some bug bites. It was too cold and sunless for a tank top so my back and shoulders at least didnt get hit too bad but my forearms, neck and forehead got nailed. Actualy I think a horsefly got my forehead as theres chunks of skin missing. I also managed somehow to get bitten in the palms of my hands...which is really really irritating.

It did give me the idea though of doing a cute drawing... a girl in dirty, maybe torn kneed jeans, tank top, gardening gloves and a trowel in pockets, bandana, and dirt smudges holding plants and with a garden in the background and maybe a phrase like "you can visit my garden any time"... i dunno just an idea, i should get drawing again, havent drawn in a long time.

Mom and dad went home today, I have a german shepard asleep on the bunk blow me and its just me, my nana and the dogs. So yeah sleep, cuz i got a busy day and will probably have to cook dinner tomorrow too.

  • Listening to: my german shepard snoring
  • Reading: The Light Fantastic~ Terry Pratchett
  • Watching: Midsommer Murders
  • Playing: with sleeping
  • Eating: an orange
  • Drinking: tea :)



Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
Current Residence: The Point Beyond Insanity
Favourite genre of music: Metal, Rock, Celtic, Classical ect. (I like a broad range of stuff)
Favourite style of art: Traditional
Favourite cartoon character: Daria
Personal Quote: A writer doesn't live with their head in a book, they live with a book in their head.



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TheRabbitThatRan Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2010
Happy Yule.
reflection13 Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
a very belated thanks :)
TheRabbitThatRan Featured By Owner May 4, 2011
You're welcome ms.
Glori305 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2010
Thanks for the fav
reflection13 Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
sativabrune Featured By Owner May 16, 2010
Thanks for the fave !
reflection13 Featured By Owner May 17, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome
Isiscat777 Featured By Owner May 9, 2010  Professional Artisan Crafter
Thanks for the fav - I'm glad you enjoy my work :-)
reflection13 Featured By Owner May 12, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
you're very welcome :)
PaganFireSnake Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2010  Professional Photographer
Thanks for the recent :+fav:. :hug: :)
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