and I just finished drawing out the pattern for a craft project. Got what I need for it, maybe will start it tomorrow...
So do I want to wear a dress to Mabel's party or pants and a blouse... if I wear pants and a blouse I will be warmer and probably more comfortable... but will also look... more businessy and this is a dinner/dance party. If i wear a dress it will be my black one and I will have to be in the mood to deal with not getting self conscious over just how much cleavage it shows off..
*sighs*
I talked to miche tonight, that made me feel a little better, but I've kinda felt like a part of me is compressing in on itself all day. I hate choices when I dont know if what Im doing is the righ thing... and no this isnt about clothes this time. I feel like I'm failing and yet I cannot control how I feel, and likely I feel how I feel for a number of reasons.
And yet somehow I want to blame myself for how I feel.
Well tomorrow and on the weekend I shall enter the stage, and wear my mask and charm away the gloom... and if my glassy face does shatter under the strain so be it.
yeah this is a darker post, get over it.
Ok a brighter note... my house smelled like cookies today, primarily due to my sister and mom baking. I made the batter for my gingerbread cookies, will have to remember to bring the dough in tomorrow night to let it thaw since I have to make the cookies up Friday.
Saturday evening and sunday morning out with Aaron, we'll have been together 3 years. Time sure goes by fast...
Then sunday evening is my fencing party...
I need time, time to myself, time with people, not everyone just certain people... I dunno what i need anymore. I need something.
It's the holidays I should be feeling happy and excited, not this sense of down and gloom and impending doom.
I need a hug... but its late and no ones around to give it.
Guess bed is the next best thing.
On the bright side I almost finished Thief of Time today, so must now decide what I am going to read next.
Man I whine alot...
Hmm what have I done today that didnt include whining... I learned a few things on my blackberry... despite my inner luddite I must admit one can do a few cool things on that piece of technology. Still havent used the internet on it yet...but all in good time.
I continued with my meditational stretching exercises to help my asthma. So I have now done it 4 days in a row... thats not enough to set a routine but a good start... and on the plus side of things it does seem to noticeably improve my breathing, if I continue or even can fit it in to twice a day I may be able to even cut down my inhalers. So i guess that is a good thing.
My mother once again was insanely vacuuming at like 10 this morning that was annyoing
Poor Fraoch ran running into my room for sanctuary... I should vacuum in here though, stupid appartment gets so dusty and that probably doesn't help my asthma. Damn stucco ceilings...
Caitlin was here today... as usual she decided I needed to be made fun of... she seems to enjoy portraying me as some lazy do nothing who sleeps way into the afternoon, is late for everything and has nothing to do.
Funny since she doesnt live here any more that she feels the right to make such assumptions. Yeah im not a mornign person and yet this week have dutifully gotten up each morning to walk the dogs no matter how late ive gone to bed the night before, I have not been late for work (in fact since its on campus i just stay there and then walk over to it when its time for work).
And I've gotten quite a bit done, heck my laundry regularly makes its way into both the hamper and then once washed into my dresser drawers which is more than she can say.
I just wish my dad wouldnt always join her in laughing, yeah im not perfect but I quickly tire of always being the butt of every joke that comes out of her mouth, especially with built on with "your clothes look stupid... you never do anything with your hair... you wear ugly man-shoes... you should wear makeup...
apparantly if your footwear are the least bit comfortable and allow you to walk without leaving huge blisters on your feet they can only be "ugly man shoes"... because women are clearly far too stupid and superficial to choose comfort over fashion.
She doesnt speak for all women certainly but that coupled with her saying "feminism is dead" makes me go want to transform into some androgynous other since those examples of femininity make me not want to even be associated with the word "female".
*sigh* ok im being bitter... shoulda asked her what she wanted for christmas this year... *other than a lump of coal*... jks...
Ok seriously time for bed need to do christmas shopping tomorrow and then go to a party which will probably be on some level socially straining since I know only a few of the other people there.
oh well... *Sigh*
I feel lonely right now